In
the article I suggested that many people in their twenties
are discarding otherwise satisfying relationships because
the effort required to stay together is outweighed by
a perception that there might be someone better out in
the big wide world.
In
the weeks since, I have received many comments from readers
and friends about what they thought. Most of the feedback
came from women, and all of them disagreed with my argument.
The one response that agreed with what I had to say was
from a male friend. Although a half dozen comments can
never hope to capture the true state of opinion on any
matter, I argue that the negative female response is evidence
that my thoughts may not be without some merit.
Female
responses to my argument ranged from sadness to anger.
Most anger was directed at my suggestion that as we advance
deeper into a relationship, there is less satisfaction
gained with each additional day. One (single) friend vehemently
disagreed with this depressing notion asserting that love
and the satisfaction can and should grow stronger with
each day. I do not disagree. I have been in relationships
where this has been so, and discovering new dimensions
about your partner is a wonderful part of relationships.
However I have also discovered things that have made me
think that I should grab my hat and make a run for the
door. In at least one case I did run for the door, only
to regret it later. I am sure my past girlfriends have
had the same thoughts on many occasions. It is these ugly
discoveries that we are less willing to handle, and the
popular perception is that there is someone else out there
who has the great sense of humour, but does not have the
annoying habit of being a little messy around the house.
Underpinning
the feedback I received is the expectation that if relationships
don't continue to get more intense and more rewarding
as time progresses, then it is not going to work. This
goes a long way to proving my point. Small periods of
stagnation in relationships equate to a terrible waste
of time that could otherwise be spent doing almost anything
else than, dare I say, being selfless and showing a little
persistence with a relationship.
The
forces that created and continue to fuel these perceptions
are not small. An enormous volume of material dedicated
to helping people appear better than they probably are
is being published, broadcast and sold all around us.
The Self Improvement sector of industry does not exist
because people today are worse in nature than in days
gone by, but because we have been repeatedly told how
deficient we are by marketers, who in turn can sell
us a whole range of goods and services to remedy our
shortcomings. This mechanism has created annoying cultural
typecasts like the metro'sexual. This charlatan is all
things to every girl. He cares about clothes, culture,
art, and personal grooming. He is fashionable and charming.
He knows about sport, coffee, liquor and fine wine.
He knows how to cook, how to dance, how to make love.
This man does not exist, except as a counterpoint for
women to diagnose the deficiencies of their partners.
The same thing is evident in cultural constructions
of women, who must be intelligent, financially successful,
attractive, caring and self'reliant, to be at all desirable.
One
of the greatest lies that we have been sold is that
personal freedom is the most desirable thing in life.
This is not so. It is not the greatest thing in the
world to be self'reliant because this is limited by
the ability to cope with one's own culturally defined
deficiencies. I think you will agree that there are
very few of us capable of sustaining a healthy level
of sanity if left completely to our own devices. Whilst
there is certainly a decline in the need for relationships
based on practical or economic grounds, I do not see
a reduction in the need for emotionally dependent and
supportive relationships. People are still as confused
about their reason for being as they have ever been.
The problem is that it is not fashionable or desirable
to confess that one cannot handle life on their own.
Otherwise, others might think you are only human.
