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I
regularly venture from home into the darkened pubs and clubs
of Gigland. I queue at the door patiently and pay my way
in quietly, yet I know that I am unlikely to actually see
the band. I can hear them, but unfortunately having a go'go
gadget extendable neck and peering over the top of hundreds
of heads is just not in my line of living.
At
gigs I learn more about the politics of the people around
me than I do about the bass player's new hair cut. I spend
a lot of time reading the back of t'shirts. I usually get
to see a bit of X'rated porn from the drunken couple on
my right. On my left, chances are the tall guy with bad
BO who loves punching his arm in the air doesn't know I
exist, so doesn't realise he is elbowing me in the temple.
Or there might be the really stoned guy who can't stand
up straight and keeps leaning on me.
I
know what you're thinking. I could arrive when the doors
open and stake my claim at the front of the stage to guarantee
a good view. But then I'd be avoiding social interaction
with friends and cute boys, avoiding visits to the bar or
even toilet breaks. Am I to miss out on all of the above
by standing at the stage two hours early looking like an
obsessed groupie?
Of
course not. You see I have a few timely strategies up my
sleeve.
I
know the floor plans and the precise location of secret
steps and raised platforms in various venues right across
town. I regularly conduct recce missions from the bar
to check on the progress of the growing crowd so I know
where to dash into the gaps. I have an uncanny ability
to duck and weave under people to get closer to the action
without totally pissing them off. I move around a gig
like a crazy little penguin trying to align myself behind
the rarest of finds, a large cluster of short people.
I know the value of a milk crate, of high heel cowboy
boots, of pushing through the pain barrier when standing
on tippy'toes for hours on end. My night at a gig is like
SWAT training camp.
Am
I bitter? No. I am so used to this sort of behaviour now
that it seems normal. Nor am I cross at tall people '
hey, we all love going to gigs. But I would like for all
of you vertically endowed music lovers out there to try
a small social experiment for the greater good of gig
watching around the world.
Next
time you are enjoying the sight of a great live band,
turn around to the little person behind you and bend down
so that your level of vision is in line with theirs. Then
look at the band. Then imagine what that band would look
like if you were standing in front of you. Then ask the
little person 'Would you like to stand in front of me?'
You
might just make their year. |
