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me to introduce what you are about to read: a window into
a life lived in the rock 'n' roll slow to crawling lane.
My name is Hamish from the band you've never heard of '
Red10 ' and I'll be your guide. In the coming months I'm
going to give you a behind the scenes look into the thrilling
world of the struggling indie rock band. Drawing on the
continuing adventures of myself and others, occasionally
changing names to protect the insipid, I will show you what
you've always dreamt of seeing, but could never get close
to because you had something much better to do.
Be
prepared for a crazy ride of out of control rock shows played
to near'empty rooms; wild backstage orgies involving a man
(not me), his hand and an UNLIMITED amount of free interporn;
death'defying drink and drug binges spurred by 30% off regular
bar prices for performing bands and all the insane chemical
joy Woolworths can provide. So strap yourselves in tight
' you never know what you might hit your head on when you
fall asleep at the screen...
As
we juice up the good ship Red10 and our comrades in arms
in unknown bands all over this fine planet prepare themselves
for another year on the front lines of the war against the
jive, we need to turn our attention to the possibilities
of the year ahead; a year that will no doubt be punctuated
by a stunning lack of success (THRILLS!), vacant staring
(SPILLS!) and long periods of inactivity (AND MENTAL ILLS).
Please consider the options available to us and all other
aspiring rock stars:
Option
One: Enter (ahem) Australian/American/Iranian etc. Idol
The
perennial question hovers: To throw caution, self respect
and any shred of human decency to the wind and enter ' or
not?
As
I make the rounds of my less than significant existence,
I encounter good folk from all walks of life. Good folk
with good intentions. Good intentions often based on blissful
ignorance. Said good folk often politely inquire about the
development of my musical career(?).
Anything
from the pitying, tentative "And how is your music going?"
to "You kickin' arse!?!" Well, moderate to low arse I suppose.
After
my reply and situation update that trails off unconvincingly
in mid'sentence, it is sometimes suggested that we enter
Australian Idol. Surely that's the best way to the top of
the pile(s)? Well frankly, fucking no, but thanks for the
advice. Enough has already been written about that sorry
collection of consumers and cock'swallowers for me to not
get into the details of why the respect of our 17 hard'won
fans might be worth just a little bit more than the cost
of an SMS. Besides, I don't think we, or anyone else in
our situation would get along with the judges ' "Hey Dicko,
you going past a hospital on the way home? Then get this
stitched up ya qunt."
My
advice to all musos ' NEVER!!! Even if you do triumph in
the highly esteemed competition you will only win six measly
months of public ridicule and ineffective hand'jobs at suburban
shopping centres. You'd be better off renting some airtime
and fucking a dog on Channel 31. At least then you'd still
have your integrity. Scratch Option One.
Option Two: Buy Kneepads, Remove Teeth, Embrace Industry
Not
such a bad idea in theory. It is frequently said that to
get ahead in anything in this world it's not what you know,
but who you fellate. It is also said that there's nothing
wrong with this, it's how things work and sooner or later
you either get busy kneeling or get busy dying. Of course
one can lead to the other if you're not careful but there
are also other inherent dangers. The main one being, how
do you know your hard work and dental surgery is actually
being focused on the right people? You might find Option
Two cheaper than embracing the (drum roll and thunderclaps
please) Industry with free drinks for minnows who drink
quickly then leave to the next free drink extravaganza,
completely missing your show; but it can be equally ineffective.
Many
times after coming off stage we have been approached by
people in varying states of inebriation who know people
or who are people we should know. As many bands have discovered,
this is all well and good on the night when you're feeling
great, they're feeling great and whatever drugs they're
on propel their breathless rants about how great you are
and what they can do for you. However, when you then take
the time to contact these drunken bastards at a later date,
more often than not, the Kevin Bloody Wilson factor becomes
apparent. As Sir Kev once wrote, "Half of what you hear
is bull and the other half's all shit".
Therefore,
scratch Option Two. You will be much better off maintaining
a straightforward and honest approach in your dealings with
humans and cretins alike. Even if it gets you nowhere, you'll
take only good memories with you. Commonplace is the man
or woman who has unnecessarily sullied their reputation
and mouth. Keep in mind that most people are not twisted,
megalomaniacal mouth'fuckers but are in fact pleasant, well'meaning
simians ' just like us.
Option
Three: The Publicity Stunt
Grabbing
the attention of the public and music industry is notoriously
difficult as many of us have found. Eschewing options
One and Two, in order to attract some music industry attention
while at the same time alerting the public to your existence
as a musical entity, nothing quite beats the publicity
stunt. The stunt can be a make or break tactic that has
historically produced a mixed bag of results. Some very
good and some, well, shit. Let's look at two...
The
Carpet Stunt:
A London indie band who shall remain nameless ' thus cruelly
defeating the purpose of their stunt ' once posed as workmen
and stole the carpet from EMI's London offices. They were
briefly touted in a hack's rag as the next biggest thing
since Oasis but sadly The Fabulous didn't go onto the
great things their name might suggest.
Result: A brief flicker of fame next to a Safeways ad
and free carpet for all.
Conclusion:
A small but no doubt highly enjoyable victory.
The
Fairly Arrow Disappearance:
The Gold Coast's own Fairly Arrow had established herself
playing fairly standard cover songs to fairly small audiences
in fairly ordinary RSLs over a fair few years.
Then
she disappeared. Fairly soon after, an enormous nationwide
wo'manhunt was sparked. The media went nuts for a week
or two. Running out of supplies and unable to pay for
her fares anymore, Ms Arrow turned up again to say that
actually she'd staged the whole thing because someone
with very similar handwriting to hers had been sending
her threatening letters with psychosexual allusions to
her fair hair and region down there. Ms Arrow claimed
the police had not given her a fair hearing or taken her
very seriously at all. These fairly serious accusations
turned out to be volleys of slanderous lies too, and she
then disappeared off the face of the pop'culture map
Result:
She lied and bore false witness against the men and women
assigned by our nation to protect her, thus gaining notoriety
instead of fame. A fair result.
Conclusion:
A heavy loss.
And that brings us to the end of our options for the year
ahead. Or does it? And which one will we choose? More
importantly, which one will you choose?
The
year is long and the attention span short; good luck to
you all.
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