I
wonder why I can't seem to sleep and have eaten more than
my share of micro'waved dinners, burritos, cakes, cookies
and left'overs in the still quietness. Unfortunately, the
extra eating has become evident, both when I look in the
mirror and when I stand on the scale.
One
sleepless night while sitting on the sofa, I was about to
eat the very last Oreo when it seemingly jumped from my
hand as if it was alive and disappeared behind the sofa
cushions in a flash. Upon searching for the escapee with
every intention of eating it, I discovered some interesting
items within that crevasse under the cushions. I found 6
three'month'old French fries, a potato chip, a dirty sock,
38 cents, and an old dried up hotdog (age unknown). Remarkably,
It took finding these things to help me realize all the
productive things I could be doing at night when sleep doesn't
come easily, and since I know that countless numbers of
people suffer from insomnia, I felt obligated to share what
I've learned with you.
 First
of all, there are some important guidelines to consider
before engaging in any insomnia'derived activity . The first
and most obvious is that the activity has to be a quiet
one, since everyone else is sleeping. Also, with very few
exceptions, it should be something that can be completed
from start to finish in one evening. Unfortunately, trying
to remain quiet when doing an activity or chore is a lot
easier said than done. Experience has taught me that whenever
I am trying to be my quietest, for some reason, really loud
things happen. For example, I was quietly, slowly and very
carefully trying to get a fork out of the drawer when suddenly
the entire bottom of the drawer gave way sending all the
silverware crashing to the floor! What I heard after that
was even worse: ...What the hell are you doing!... My wife
yelled, her voice cutting into me like a knife.
Many
more tasks than you would believe can be completed from
start to finish in one evening, especially if you try to
have fun. By using your imagination, you can view each task
as an adventure rather than a chore. For example, with my
very first task utilizing this principle I imagined myself
being interrogated and tortured by some ruthless government
as I stood in front of the mirror yanking my own nose'hairs
out by the roots. This is a task I've been meaning to complete
for sometime, and thanks to "Uri" and "Vladnikof" I completed
this painful task in less than two hours.
Another
thing I've imagined in the wee hours of the morning is
that I was Indiana Jones searching through The Barren
Wastelands of No Return for long forgotten and lost artefacts,
fortunes and ruins. The things I've found thus far actually
aren't worth all that much. With a flashlight and a broom
handle I investigated the dark caverns beneath the stove
and refrigerator. Since these areas had never been searched
before, their contents (just as the contents of the couch
crack) proved to be quite intriguing. I found the dirty
mate to the sock that was in the sofa cushion, eleven
more cents, a petrified slice of bread, a little plastic
army man and a dried up cat turd. As you can see, having
fun accomplishing tasks is easy and you can accomplish
much when you use your imagination to think outside the
box.
An
important point to make here is that if you are not careful
your imagination can get the better of you. One night
not too long ago, I began a task and soon
imagined that I was a marine biologist searching through
the partially digested stomach contents of a Great White
Shark. I was lost in my adventure when I began to feel
nauseous thanks to an awful stench. I couldn't tell if
the smell was real or imaginary, but the sick feeling
it caused snapped me back to reality just as I was pulling
a stinky bowl of hairy sweet peas from the refrigerator.
In this instance the scenario got the best of me when
I suddenly blew chunks all over the kitchen floor.
 Another
midnight pastime is my imaginary safari. In this scenario,
I am a hunter of an endless supply of wild game on the
African tundra. However, for obvious reasons, a gun cannot
be my weapon of choice. Instead I use a rubber band, a
stack of Q'tips, some rubbing alcohol and a book of matches.
Cleverly, I dim the lights and crouch quietly on the floor
waiting for my prey to make an error in judgment and cross
my path where it's easier (and safer) for me to launch
flaming alcohol'soaked'swabs at the unsuspecting wild
game with the rubber band. I have watched many flaming
roaches run in frantic circles while turning black and
crispy. Be warned, though! I speak from experience when
I say that it is possible to give yourself post'traumatic
stress disorder by performing graphically violent activities
such as this. On the other hand, using this method to
vent pent up frustrations can be quite liberating.
If
you're not into imaginary interrogations, archaeological
digs or African hunts, there are plenty of other tasks
that can be accomplished utilizing more traditional methods.
You should keep in mind that the middle of the night provides
you with the perfect opportunity to do some tasks, which
would otherwise be impossible to tackle efficiently. During
the day, for example, that junk drawer in the kitchen
with all those ketchup and taco sauce packets could never
be cleaned out properly! With so many people having a
stake in that drawer's contents, throwing something away
would be like trying to sneak Christmas past a child.
One
night, I was finally able to toss all those empty scotch'tape
dispensers my wife's been saving for three years. Hopefully
my wife will never miss all those recipe cards she never
uses; I tossed them too. I was also finally able to throw
away that headless Barbie doll that's been haunting me
for months! Upon tossing these items, I was finally able
to make room for more important items. From the floor
of the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink I gathered up
the loose nails, nuts and bolts, my old roll of fishing
line and that trailer hitch I've been meaning to put on
the truck and deposited them confidently in that drawer.
There
is one problem, though, for my wife also occasionally
suffers from insomnia. I woke one day and found my things
missing from that drawer. In place of my items was a manicure
set, a bottle of polish remover, a pack of tampons, and
a huge pile of fuzzy rubber bands.
Be
creative when deciding on insomnia derived activities,
but don't abuse your new found abundance of quality 'get
stuff done' time. Life is short, but even if you can't
sleep you can make the best of what it throws at you.
Daniel
Taverne is a disabled veteran who has experience in bricklaying,
Occupational therapy and writing. Visit his blog at: www.dtaverne.blogspot.com
|
